R.I.P., Shorty Robe

February 21, 2011

in Humor, Nothing serious, Random

My husband is trying to change me. In the same way that I tried to successfully changed him when we were first married.

He’s slowly replacing my personal items with ones that are socially acceptable.

I’m onto him.

First, it was my slippers. It’s in your best interest that I don’t have photos of them. I’d had them for a long, long time. I bought them on clearance at TJ Maxx for $8. In 2005-ish. They were orange. They traveled with me everywhere — all over the country, to Vietnam, to Dubai, to Ethiopia… And at the end, they were gross. Very, very gross.

Two and a half years ago, we visited my friend Karen in St. Louis. She took one look at my slippers and said, “Seriously? I’ve seen the kind of clothes, purses and shoes you buy. WHAT are you doing with those things? Throw. them. away.” (Love you, girl!)

But I didn’t.

I washed them all the time. With bleach. But when slippers get that old, nothing helps.

So for Christmas this year, clever, clever Ed took the kids shopping. Each picked out a new pair of slippers for me. And on Christmas morning, after I had opened up the sweet, hand-picked gifts from my precious children, Ed said, “Okay, kids, go get Mommy’s old slippers and throw them in the trash! She lllooovvvesss your Christmas gifts.”

Sneaky, right?

I was okay with it. I didn’t have a particular attachment to my slippers, although the flip-flop style was quite conducive to summer weather. But anyway, it worked. Ed no longer has to look at or comment about my slippers.

But the robe?

That’s a touchy one.

Behold The Shorty Robe:

Shorty Robe and I go way back. My mom bought Shorty Robe for me just before my freshman year of college. For those who want to mock my advanced age, that was 1998. Yes, Shorty Robe and I have been getting up close and personal for 12.5 years. I’ve had Shorty Robe for one year longer than I’ve had Ed.

Shorty Robe wasn’t always Shorty Robe. She was a little longer, back in her glory days. Or I was a little smaller. Whatever – let’s not split hairs. What matters is that once upon a time, Shorty Robe covered my entire ass as I walked to and from the dorm shower, then later, around the apartment I shared with four girls, then later, in the first apartment Ed and I had together, in our tiny little house during law school, in the first house we bought together and in our current home.

Sadly, the truth is that today, Shorty Robe isn’t what she used to be. She reveals a good inch of ass — something nobody wants to see — and she’s ratty. She’s discolored and covered in pills. She’s very misshapen. It’s bad. When I get out of the shower each day, one of the kids giggles and announces, “I can see your booty, Mommy!”

But she’s MY Shorty Robe. And I’m attached to her.

Ed knows this. For years, he’s looked for a suitable replacement that I would accept. He said he searched long and hard when he and the kids were Christmas shopping for me, but every robe he found was flawed. He’s well aware that Shorty Robe has set the bar high.

And then we came home from our 10th Anniversary in Vegas, and he had something for me. He picked up a robe from Encore (my favorite hotel) for me — one he knew I loved — and told me it was time to let Shorty Robe go.

Today, I got out of the shower, put on my new robe, and knew it was so.

R.I.P., Shorty Robe. You’ve been a trusted, faithful buddy for 12.5 years. Even though Replacement Robe is far fancier, much more aesthetically pleasing and…long, you will be missed.

And P.S. If Ed goes after my grandma shower cap and terrycloth headband combo — the other thing that makes him crazy — he’s going to find out where I draw the hard line in the sand.

{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

Karen February 21, 2011 at 12:41 pm

That is too funny! I am glad to hear you have some new slippers, though! :) Love you and your shorty robe addiction, but some times it is just time to move forward and cover your ass!

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Laura February 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I know, I know. It’s a little sad, though! Love you!

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Maren February 21, 2011 at 3:14 pm

LOL:) My husband has tried to replace my robe, too, but as yet has been unsuccessful. Saw you on twitter and had to check you out. Awesome:)

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Laura February 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Thanks, Maren! It took my husband a looonnnggg time. I’m not giving up on yours!

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Jen February 21, 2011 at 5:00 pm

almost shot coffee through my nose on this one. Reminds me of when I made Jeremy get rid of his horrid addidas shower shoes after catching Morgan teething on the emblem that had fallen out of the sole. ICK!

RIP Shorty robe!

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Laura February 21, 2011 at 5:15 pm

OMG, Jeremy wins! Now I feel sort of slighted that neither of my kids chewed on my robe… ;-)

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Melissa February 21, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I can’t get my head around (or the other way around) that shower cap/headband combo thingy. How does that work, exactly? I’m at a loss.

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Laura February 21, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I put my hair in a pony tail, use the sexy terrycloth headband to protect the “edges” – along my hairline – from getting wet, and put the granny shower cap over the whole deal. This is how I avoid washing my hair every day! And then after my shower, I put it over the decorative pot to dry, which makes Ed twitch.

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Jessica February 21, 2011 at 5:44 pm

The way he found to replace the slippers was hilarious. Very smart to have the kids pick out new slippers so you can’t refuse them.

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Laura February 22, 2011 at 6:28 am

I know! Clever and manipulative, right?!

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Nicole February 21, 2011 at 6:13 pm

That’s funny. I do that to Casey. Slowly his old t-shirts and ratty boxers (and the stupid ones with cupid and hearts from the ex ::gag::) are disappearing too.

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Laura February 22, 2011 at 6:28 am

I cleaned house like that too a long time ago. We’re supposed to do that. It’s our job as women! But messing with our stuff? Totally different.

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Tracy February 21, 2011 at 6:41 pm

That Ed is a sneaky guy. I like his style.

I just throw my husband’s ratty things out because I know he won’t notice. I’m a bit of a hypocrite though, because I have some pajamas that would give shorty robe a run for its money. I just can’t find another pair that I like as much. I’ve tried. I’ve tried really, really hard. Sigh.

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Laura February 22, 2011 at 6:30 am

That’s how Ed is. I get rid of boxers and undershirts all the time and he has no idea. But I keep tabs on my crap. But see? I get attached to some comfy things, too. I finally threw away my two pair of pajama pants that had such big holes (in the crotch – seriously) that they were no longer okay to wear. I still don’t have replacements for those…

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Tracy February 22, 2011 at 8:56 pm

One of the pairs of pajama pants I mentioned has really, really worn out elastic. They fall down around my ankles if I don’t hold them up while going up stairs. Tough to carry laundry wearing those pants…

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ATL February 21, 2011 at 10:17 pm

your stories about your husband are so cute – you guys are definitely meant to be :-)

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Laura February 22, 2011 at 6:31 am

Thank you! That’s such a nice thing to say. I agree about being meant to be. :)

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Krista February 22, 2011 at 1:01 am

Ohhh – tough loss – but I’m sure the luxury of the new robe will soon make you forget Shorty. And your “advanced age”? You are a youngen!

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Laura February 22, 2011 at 6:31 am

I’m so not a younen! But I’ll go with that. Today was Day 2 with the new robe. I’m working on acceptance…

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Mad Woman behind the Blog February 22, 2011 at 1:28 am

I too am quite attached to a robe, given to me by an ex. Its JCrew, warm and handsome. I don’t think of the ex when I wear and certainly never made the mistake of telling DH that it was a gift from a beau. Yet he hates it still. It is sadly the antithesis of sexy.

But the headband/shower cap thing would make me twitchy too….if only it didn’t sit on that pot.
Shoes, slippers, flip flops….those are sacred. No one touches my shoes!

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Laura February 22, 2011 at 6:33 am

Oh! Scandal with the ex involvement! :)

Ed says the same thing about the location of my shower cap. But my deal is that when he stops putting his pajamas and clothes on the other corner of the tub, I’ll consider finding a new place for my granny cap. (I don’t really think there’s another place, though, b/c it can drip dry here and not mess anything up…other than Ed’s eyes.)

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mimi lam February 22, 2011 at 6:38 am

Oh, Ed is such a sweetheart, to go such creative ways to successfully replaced most of your worn out faithfully attached things, and that strange looking shower cap, LOL, it is a must next on the list, Goodluck Ed.

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Jules February 22, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I have the same issue with certain nightgowns/pajamas-they are just sooo comfy! And i also recently had to throw away my favorite slippers-Marvin the Martian ones from my nephew when he was, like, 5 and he’s 17 now) that had holes worn through the heels and pads. They were sad. Even Josie was a little upset I threw them away! Got new ones though-and I also let Josie pick the color . . .

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KLZ February 22, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I’m almost 30 and I have yet to find a robe that pleases me. I’d ask Ed to go shopping for me but that would….be really, really weird.

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Mama Mary February 23, 2011 at 7:34 am

Girl, this is fricking hilarious! I absolutely love this story. I am sad that you ahd to party with Shorty, but all good things must come to an end. I will pour some out for my homegirl “Shorty Robe.”

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Jess@Straight Talk February 23, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Ha! I had my robe from 1999 till last year. I feel your pain. My new robe doesn’t compare, either…

That husband of yours is smart. Very smart.

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Morgan B. February 24, 2011 at 5:22 am

RIP Shorty. May you one day meet my slippers in heaven. I may or may not have had them since before Emma was born. Shhhh. BTW- how sweet is your husband?

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Truthful Mommy February 26, 2011 at 2:04 pm

LMAO! Girl, I know the feeling. I have jeans that have not fit me in quite awhile, are definitely out of style, and have not seen the light of days in years but when they did fit ( back in their glory days) they sat on my ass like butter. I heard angel choirs singing “AHHHHH!” when I wore those bitches around town and out to clubs. I can’t give them up…even if they are hanging there, taunting me and giggling that they will never fit again. Im thinking they will come back in style and when they do I will be ready..or I will be buried in them:)

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