My mom told my husband to get a vibrator. No, really. She did.

January 9, 2011

in Family, Humor, Nothing serious, Totally inappropriate

That’s my mom on the left. Yes, people often mistake her for my older sister.  Sadly for me, I don’t appear to have inherited her rockin’ young looking genes. I also didn’t inherit that amazing metabolism she had when she was younger — her not-so-flattering nickname in high school was Olive Oil. I know nothing of this.

But anyway, I’ll focus.

Before I start, I need to explain my mom. She is one the sweetest, kindest and most sincere people I know.

She is — by far — one of the most caring moms in the world. She flew over last week to help me with the kids and with life because I’m still recovering form my lupus flareup and Ed had to travel.

My mom is also funny and sarcastic. We love her and having her (and my dad) here is a treat, not an inconvenience. Ed enjoys my parents, which is more than a lot of people can say about their in-laws.

My mom is smart. Very smart.

But every once in a while, my mom is completely and totally naive and clueless.

Tonight, my mother told my husband he needed to get a vibrator.

No, really, she did. And after she said it, the conversation just got worse.

I was in our bedroom, writing an article (I think I found my focus, finally!) when I heard my mom say, “Well, you really need a vibrator. It would help.”

And then then it went like this:

Husband: “A vibrator? I don’t think a vibrator would help my back.”

Mom: “Yes, it would! You have to get one. I use mine all the time.”

Ed: “So, I know we’re super close and we talk about everything, but…”

Mom: “Haven’t you seen it?”

Ed: “I hope not.”

At that point, I had to interject, just because it was getting funny.

Me: “Mom, I’m pretty sure Ed hasn’t seen your vibrator. By the way, I didn’t know you had one.”

Mom: “Yes you do. You’ve used it.”

Husband: “Sweet Baby Jesus, this isn’t normal!”

Me: “Yeah, I can promise you that I haven’t.”

Mom: “Yes you have. It had three heads.”

Husband: “Okay, now this is just getting weird. And slightly uncomfortable.”

Me: “Mom, I really didn’t need to know you have a vibrator with three heads. What do you and dad do?! Wait, don’t answer that.”

Mom: “What are you talking about? You know what I’m talking about. I got it at Costco. Maybe they still have them. Ed needs one.”

Husband: “I’m pretty sure I don’t. Where’s the icepick? I’m going to stab my eardrums before this gets worse.”

Mom: “Yes, you know what I’m talking about. It’s hand-held.”

Husband: “Most of them are…”

Me: “Seriously. What are we talking about here?”

Mom: “OH!!! No! It’s not called a vibrator, is it? It’s that back massager thing. Remember? When your neck was hurting, you used it and it helped.”

*****

So if you ever have a conversation with my mom about a hand-held vibrator with three heads, she’s talking about this:

Does anybody else have conversations like this?!?!

{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Tim January 9, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Ok that is hilarious. Your mom sounds like my mom. My mom will do stuff like that and confuse a word to make things super awkward. Lmao at your husband saying sweet baby jesus this isn’t normal and I couldn’t stop laughing after your mom said that you had used it too. Too funny Laura. Oh btw you both look young!

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tzenaki January 9, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Oh my gosh. That is HILARIOUS! I would have peed in my pants from laughing so hard if I had been there to witness this conversation.

I love how your mom threw you into the mix by saying you used it too. My husband would have died laughing as well. Hopefully he would have figured it out by the 3 heads comment.

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Leigh Ann January 10, 2011 at 6:04 am

Hilarious! Just goes to show you really can get just about anything at Costco.

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gayla January 10, 2011 at 6:21 am

This is freaking hilarious!

You and your mom both look great!!

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Lawmommy January 10, 2011 at 7:26 am

Oh my god, that’s funny. LOL.

I have never had a conversation like that. (Although, on one notable occasion my mother told ME I needed to get a vibrator. And yes, she was dead serious. (And, um, yeah, she was also right.) But never has she said this to my husband.)

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Rebecca January 10, 2011 at 7:28 am

Hahahaha!!

Too funny!

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Kate January 10, 2011 at 8:17 am

I had this exact SAME conversation with my grandmother!!! I brought my future husband down to her and my grandfather’s house for the first time and she asked me if I had seen her vibrator. I told her no and she told me I should use it. I’m turning red, Todd is laughing, and I told her I was worried I would break it…that didn’t help the redness.

Then she offered Todd weiners, as in hot dogs. But in the context of the convo, it just made things weirder. THEN, my grandfather asked Todd about our college quarterback and wanted to know his name. Which happened to be Casey DICK and he wanted Todd to spell it.

So I’m talking about vibrators, weiners, and Dick all with my 80+ year old grandparents and boyfriend. Gosh, it was awful & hysterical all at the same time!

Todd left thinking that all we talk about are penial things…it was hysterical!

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happyfamilytravels January 10, 2011 at 8:19 am

Too funny! I’m sure that’s going to be me talking to my kids in a few years!!!

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Mad Woman behind the Blog January 10, 2011 at 9:30 am

FRICKIN AWESOME! I so love that she called you out, saying you had used it too!
And btw, you do want to be sure its set on the lowest setting, if you decide to get personal. Just trust me.

Oh, and this is NOTHING! My FIL saw my naked boob pictures on my iPad over Christmas. I thought his wife folding my underwear was bad but this, this was FAR worse.

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Jessica January 10, 2011 at 9:33 am

Holy crap. I would have just curled up and died.

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shelly January 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

I work with an elderly lady I love like my Mom, she too calls a back massager a vibrator, one day at work I had a stiff neck, she told me the best thing is to use a vibrator on it! I say really? she says “Yes, a real good one, I have a real good one I use all the time! I bought it from my Chiropractor when he got a new one!” I then say “you mean a back massager” she says yes ” but this one is a vibrator!” so I think its the older generation word use. But in the mean time, I was confused, laughing,in pain, stunned! BTW you and your Mother are Beutiful twins from another generation. Amazing likeness there. LOL

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Kelli K January 10, 2011 at 10:40 am

No, I haven’t but I probably would have wet myself if I had. That is frickin’ hilarious!

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Nicole January 10, 2011 at 10:45 am

Crying I am laughing so hard right now. The teacher next door just walked in to my room because I was laughing so loudly- thank you for the comic relief during my lunch hour. :) Needed that.

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Jules January 10, 2011 at 11:06 am

My uncle bought me a single head “back massager” for xmas one year. I was in my early 20s and uh, thought it was something else at first. So did my brother who about peed his pants when I opened it. My uncle was a little odd and we didn’t usually exchange presents. I swear-it totally looked like a heavy-duty vibrator. I never knew quite what to make of it. I have the sneaking suspicion he was messing with me! Luckily my grandparents and parents didn’t get it . . . .

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Truthful Mommy January 10, 2011 at 11:10 am

You had me pissing my pants because this is such a conversation that I would have with my mom. She is so clueless and says things like this..all the time. SHe is so sweet.I don;t know how she gave birth to such a deviant. Surely, I ruined her just by inhabiting within for the 7 months she had me on the inside:)LOL

P.S.You are both beautiful and it is obvious where you got all those good looks! But the dirty whorishness, well I think that may be all you:)LOL

LOVE YA!

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Jess@Straight Talk January 10, 2011 at 11:22 am

LMAO. Ok 1) your mom looks incredible. 2) That is freaking hilarious! Hope you guys are having a great time!

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mostlymorgan January 10, 2011 at 11:25 am

bwah ha ha! We have one too! You’re mom ROCKS.

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Lindsey Grantham January 10, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Oh Laura! You crack me up!!! Similar conversation with Grandma and all of my family:
Grandma – I need my vibrator
Me-Grandma, your what?
Grandma – My vibrator to sit on
Me (crying, trying not to laugh with all of the 20+ people staring at Grandma) – You sit on your vibrator?
Grandma – Yes, it really helps my pain and flare ups!
Me – I’m sure it does, what the hell are you talking about?
Grandma – you know, that black thing on the chair, I use it all the time

Needless to say, it was a chair-seat cover that vibrates up and down the recliner, but it was comical!!

Thanks for sharing that I don’t have the only family that has these conversations! :)

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Jan January 10, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Oh Lordy that is sooooooooo funny!! I was laughing hysterically when I read this! :)

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Jan January 10, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Oh Lordy that is so funny!! I was laughing hysterically when I read this! :)

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Kathy January 11, 2011 at 5:12 am

I’ve always known that you and Ed were crazy, but now confirmed, so is your mom! lol

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Christine Marie January 11, 2011 at 2:15 pm

OMG. That. Was. Awesome.

I love your mom. And the “Sweet baby Jesus” was hilarious. Great post!

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Morgan B. January 11, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Omg! I’m dying!

You and your mom are gorgeous! I would kill to be thin enough to have Olive Oil as a nickname.

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gigi January 11, 2011 at 2:36 pm

That is hilarious. Moms are so cute.

Hopefully your hubs didn’t find an ice pick :)

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Mandyland January 11, 2011 at 3:27 pm

OMG…I just spit out my soda. This was awesome.

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Kelly K January 11, 2011 at 5:48 pm

That is one of those conversations you wish you’d somehow recorded the audio on because a moment like that is priceless.

I can only imagine your husbands face… I have a feeling my dear husband’s would have been the same.

Great story.

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donna January 13, 2011 at 5:59 am

that is so funny! when i was a freshman in college, my first chem lab TA was a Chinese fella, with a very strong accent (pretty sure English was not his first or second language), he announced to the class that i’d need a rubber to participate in class…i said, “excuse me?” So, being a good teacher, he spoke louder and slower but still said I’d need a rubber to get a good grade in his class. I was a freshman, at a large university and being from a very small town, i was mortified – i’m pretty certain my face couldn’t have been any more flushed…seeing the confused look on my face he said, even louder A RUBBER, then he spelled it out. The rest of the class just sat there with their mouths hanging open. Then there was a long moment of silence, crickets really and another student yelled out, with a relieved gasp “oh my gosh, i think he means rubber band, for your long hair!” And the TA said, “yes, yes, for your hair” – needless to say, I never, ever wore my hair down when I was even remotely close to the Chem lab building! Good times!!

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Terry Webb January 13, 2011 at 11:52 pm

In my defense….. okay I really don’t have one, but if I did it would go something like this:

After the kids went to bed someone opened a/three/five/fifty bottles of wine for three people. After a glass and a half of wine, mom (in this case me) used the word vibrator and back massager interchangeably. After another glass and a half it mattered not that she (again, me) used the words interchangeably, she only had her son in laws best interest at heart. Another glass and mom was out like a light and didn’t care what daughter wrote. This made the presses and mom now has an alcohol problem and if I were writing the story, that is how it would go down.

I only regret alcohol wasn’t involved as this could have been much more interesting and a GREAT reason to call a back massager a “vibrator”-wink wink. I am now trying to live happily ever after with or without my vibrator (shame on you, I now know what you are thinking).

Thank you Laura, for being such a great daughter and laughing at my foibles. Thank you Ed, just because!

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Lisa Sunbury January 14, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I have no story to tell. And even if I did, I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to see to type it. Thanks for the smiles! Great picture of you and your Mom !

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Krystyn February 7, 2011 at 1:44 am

Okay…I had to click on this one.

And, my mom and your mom could be sisters. She’s always asked if she’s my sister, and has the rocking genes.

And, she would totally tell my husband to get a vibrator.

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Kati April 7, 2011 at 7:14 pm

I will have to thank Katherine a million times for asking me (no begging daily really) to vote for your blog. Now I can’t stop reading and laughing!!!

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Laura April 7, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Thank you so much, Kati!!! I know – I hope Katherine’s FB friends don’t hate her as much as mine will probably hate me by the time this is over. :) But she’s an awesome and supportive friend!

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kimmie May 20, 2011 at 7:14 pm

I laughed so hard I think I peed a little. OMG! this is awesome, and I will share it with my mother right away. thanks so much for posting. love it!

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