4/30: Windex-producing knockers. Or three year old logic. (Offensive if you're sensitive)

November 4, 2010

in Totally inappropriate

A few days ago, Bug sat down at the kitchen table to “work on art.” Both of the kids are really into coloring, and Matty has taken an interest in writing his name and a few other letters and numbers with a pen (he’s quite good) (and he learned it at school. God forbid I do something educational around here. i use the television as a babysitter and drink wine all day long).

When Ed came home on Friday evening, he gave Bug a notepad with a pen that he picked up at a conference he’d been at all week (while I was dying. of the black plague. trying to take care of his children). Matty was pleased. After he “worked on art,” he called me into the kitchen to see.


So I’m all, “Oh! Matty! That’s great. I see the ’1′ and the ’2.’ And that car! What a great car!”

And Matty’s like, “I didn’t draw a car, Mommy.”

And I’m all, “What are you talking about? I see it. Right there – a car with two wheels!”

And he’s totally, “That’s not a car, Mommy” like I’m the dumbest fucking sonofbitch to walk the planet.

So I’m like, “What do you mean? What is it?”

And he looks at me with total exasperation and  is like, “Those are BOOBS.”

Oh. Obviously.

So then I thought I’d better take a closer look.

And I started to wonder. Are the round things the actual boobs? Attached to the square….um…body? Or are the round things the nipples attached to the square…um…boobs? And if those are nipples, where’s his inspiration comin’ from? ‘Cause Mommy’s Double A’s with mosquito bites sure as shit aren’t providing it.

Fair questions, right?

But then I got past that and started to get a little twitchy because holy shit, I had a flashback to our long plane ride to Vietnam, when I watched Superbad for the first time (and second time, and third time, and fourth time…thanks to a broken entertainment system). And I stared to think, “Oh, hell, is Matty going to develop a boob drawing thing?” Which, of course, is probably better than a dick drawing thing, but still. I mean, Jonah Hill makes me pee a little every time I see him in a movie, but I’m not sure I’d be peeing if he were my son. That doesn’t sound good. Anyway.

(Warning: if you’ve never seen Superbad, you’re way too sensitive and you probably wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with Ed and me in Vegas you’re totally missing out you might find this offensive. Also, don’t watch it at work. Unless you work in a porn shop or something. Then it’s probably cool. If you can take a break from mopping the floors.)


And if you guys think I’m just being a little silly, the kid does have an interest.

(April 2010)

All I’m sayin’ is that he wasn’t looking at her necklace. He may or may not have spent the ten minutes in line talking about her knockers.

And then I searched my blog for “boobs” and I came up with several incidents wherein Matty talked about my boobs: he said they were “real nice,” (Nov 2009),  he compared them to Jillian Michael’s hooters (Jan 2010), he called them balloons (March 2010)…

So, anyway, this shouldn’t surprise me.

And then I realized that earlier in the day, when Matty asked me why the Mongolian mom in the movie Babies was spraying her baby in the face with Windex when she was in fact spraying breast milk all over the baby’s face, directly out of her boob, to give him a bath, Matty may have thought the milk was Windex, but he was smart enough to know it was coming from funbags, not a Windex bottle.

Guess I shouldn’t have assumed he’d really mistake ta ta’s for a spray bottle, huh?

(Also, if you’re wondering why he confused breast milk with Windex, well, I’m wondering, too. My only guess is that about 15 months ago, Matty, who was two at the time, got a bottle of Windex and drenched Molley in it – her entire head and face — and proceeded to comb her hair. When I walked in on them and freaked (um, Windex all over the baby who wasn’t yet one year old?!), he assured me that everything was fine because he was just doin’ her hair like Mommy and Daddy. This kid doesn’t forget anything, so I’m guessing that seeing a baby have breastmilk sprayed all over his face reminded Matty of spraying Windex all over Molley’s face.)

So, anyway, all of this concerns me.

It makes me wonder: Is my kids lacking in creativity? ‘Cause if I was drawing the picture, I’d have finished the damn thing.

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Erica November 4, 2010 at 2:40 am

Nothing about boys surprises me. Duc is obsessed with boobs and every day he asks if he can “see my body”. No joke. He likes to maul the funbags when he gets a chance. He will take a peek when we are out in public–no telling how many people he has flashed with my breasts. My favorite comment? “Mommy, I like boobies”. I know, son…


Heather D November 4, 2010 at 4:11 am

This has to be the funniest blog yet! I am just sitting here, grinning like an idiot, and shaking my head. Due to my history with boobs, my girls are fascinated by them, so that makes it a little more awkward when they stare or ask questions. This was priceless. Love that picture. The man knows what he wants!


Lisa November 4, 2010 at 8:20 am

LMAO – that little sweetie just cracks me up. I can’t help but laugh.

PS – love your additions to the drawing!


nora November 4, 2010 at 8:20 am

Oh my goodness, laugh Diet Coke out of my nose and need to leave my desk before students come in….. Seriously, woman!

Conversation yesterday with all three girls in the tub (2, 3 and 4):
“Momma, I have boobies?”
“Dad has no bobbies.”
“His boobies have tipples.”
“Momma, you have boobies?”
“They are big boobies.”
“They are fine.”
“You need a cup holder for them, huh?”
Well yes.


Sarah November 4, 2010 at 8:28 am

you owe me a new shirt…I just spit my coffee down the one I am wearing from laughing too much!


Shelly November 4, 2010 at 9:04 am

My husband sits around with his shirt off most of the time, our Grand Daughter is 3 and is fasinated with his nipples,(she was breastfed for 18 months) every chance she gets, she will get on his lap,smile, stare into his eyes, he smiles back, with out looking away from his face, will pinch his nipple, and LAUGH! He will tell her “stop that”, shes says “But why”? Its so funny. So now he has gotten where when she climbs up onto his lap, he covers them with his arm and hand, and the fight is on, she’ s pulling at his arm laughing and hes trying to hide his nipples. Odd I know. Hes now wearing shirts all evening…


mostlymorgan November 4, 2010 at 11:51 am

I am reminded of a photo of Morgan perusing the Victoria’s Secret Catalog over a year ago…and then last week when the holiday issue came he picked a model’s booty and said “That NICE Mama!”
Oh Boy!


gayla November 4, 2010 at 4:42 pm

That is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time! You and Matty have a future as quite the artistic duo.


Laura Mueller November 4, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Freakin Hilarious!!!!! I especially like the added touches you put in the picture….. :)


Kryss November 4, 2010 at 6:26 pm

Its boobs from a child’s perspective, he’s looking up at them, so they stick out. That square part is legs and tummy. lol

So cute.


Danielle Scherrer November 5, 2010 at 8:08 am

I’m offended. Really. Offended. He should really be evaluated. <—said sarcastically.

When Brie was that age, she was obsessed with lifting my skirt in the most convenient places (i.e. Discount Tire) and shout "my mom has a vagina under here!" Beautiful.

Thanks for the smile.


Jules November 5, 2010 at 9:01 am

I love everything about this post!


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