A few days ago, Bug sat down at the kitchen table to “work on art.” Both of the kids are really into coloring, and Matty has taken an interest in writing his name and a few other letters and numbers with a pen (he’s quite good) (and he learned it at school. God forbid I do something educational around here. i use the television as a babysitter and drink wine all day long).
When Ed came home on Friday evening, he gave Bug a notepad with a pen that he picked up at a conference he’d been at all week (while I was dying. of the black plague. trying to take care of his children). Matty was pleased. After he “worked on art,” he called me into the kitchen to see.
So I’m all, “Oh! Matty! That’s great. I see the ’1′ and the ’2.’ And that car! What a great car!”
And Matty’s like, “I didn’t draw a car, Mommy.”
And I’m all, “What are you talking about? I see it. Right there – a car with two wheels!”
And he’s totally, “That’s not a car, Mommy” like I’m the dumbest fucking sonofbitch to walk the planet.
So I’m like, “What do you mean? What is it?”
And he looks at me with total exasperation and is like, “Those are BOOBS.”
So then I thought I’d better take a closer look.
And I started to wonder. Are the round things the actual boobs? Attached to the square….um…body? Or are the round things the nipples attached to the square…um…boobs? And if those are nipples, where’s his inspiration comin’ from? ‘Cause Mommy’s Double A’s with mosquito bites sure as shit aren’t providing it.
Fair questions, right?
But then I got past that and started to get a little twitchy because holy shit, I had a flashback to our long plane ride to Vietnam, when I watched Superbad for the first time (and second time, and third time, and fourth time…thanks to a broken entertainment system). And I stared to think, “Oh, hell, is Matty going to develop a boob drawing thing?” Which, of course, is probably better than a dick drawing thing, but still. I mean, Jonah Hill makes me pee a little every time I see him in a movie, but I’m not sure I’d be peeing if he were my son. That doesn’t sound good. Anyway.
(Warning: if you’ve never seen Superbad,
you’re way too sensitive and you probably wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with Ed and me in Vegas you’re totally missing out you might find this offensive. Also, don’t watch it at work. Unless you work in a porn shop or something. Then it’s probably cool. If you can take a break from mopping the floors.)
And if you guys think I’m just being a little silly, the kid does have an interest.
All I’m sayin’ is that he wasn’t looking at her necklace. He may or may not have spent the ten minutes in line talking about her knockers.
And then I searched my blog for “boobs” and I came up with several incidents wherein Matty talked about my boobs: he said they were “real nice,” (Nov 2009), he compared them to Jillian Michael’s hooters (Jan 2010), he called them balloons (March 2010)…
So, anyway, this shouldn’t surprise me.
And then I realized that earlier in the day, when Matty asked me why the Mongolian mom in the movie Babies was spraying her baby in the face with Windex when she was in fact spraying breast milk all over the baby’s face, directly out of her boob, to give him a bath, Matty may have thought the milk was Windex, but he was smart enough to know it was coming from funbags, not a Windex bottle.
Guess I shouldn’t have assumed he’d really mistake ta ta’s for a spray bottle, huh?
(Also, if you’re wondering why he confused breast milk with Windex, well, I’m wondering, too. My only guess is that about 15 months ago, Matty, who was two at the time, got a bottle of Windex and drenched Molley in it – her entire head and face — and proceeded to comb her hair. When I walked in on them and freaked (um, Windex all over the baby who wasn’t yet one year old?!), he assured me that everything was fine because he was just doin’ her hair like Mommy and Daddy. This kid doesn’t forget anything, so I’m guessing that seeing a baby have breastmilk sprayed all over his face reminded Matty of spraying Windex all over Molley’s face.)
So, anyway, all of this concerns me.
It makes me wonder: Is my kids lacking in creativity? ‘Cause if I was drawing the picture, I’d have finished the damn thing.