Oh*Hell*No!*I*Will*NOT*Drive*A*Minivan

October 19, 2010

in Uncategorized

One more time: I will NOT drive a minivan.

I may have the cool factor of…hell, there’s nothing to compare it to. It pretty much doesn’t exist. I may not know what makeup is or how to use it anymore. I may think it’s perfectly acceptable to wear flip flops all summer and Uggs all winter. I may not know that my hair is capable of any style other than a pony tail. I may need to drop 20 like, two years ago.

But I’m way too freaking cool for a minivan.

So, via Facebook this weekend, I learned of another friend who bit the dust. The vehicle dust.

She’s buying a mother effing minivan.

That’s it. All of them.

Every single parent I know.

Moms. Dads.

They’re all going down.

Moms want the convenience. Dad are pussies sadly thrilled by the what they’re packin’ under the hood and seem to forget that they’re their wives’ bitches, cruising along all sorts of ball-less, and instead pretend they’re holding their own in the Daytona 500. Yes it’s light and it has V8. No, it’s not a Masserati. A little bit of pickup does not equal cajones, boys. You left those at the dealership with the keys to your old Accord.  You’re still driving a minivan, even if you like to think you can floor it off the line.

From the day my mom brought home that God awful Dodge Grand Caravan and declared it the best thing to ever happen on four wheels, I’ve been anti-minivan. I was in fourth grade. Or something. Point is, I knew it then and I know now: minivans are bad.

Pause, for a moment, pause to thank my father for putting his foot down when my mom wanted to replace the Caravan with yet *another* minivan. ‘Cause if he’d been all, “Sure, honey, whatever makes you happy,” I’d be dead from laying in traffic I would have been driving a freaking wus wagon at 16.

And holy shit, let me just tell you that it would have been as bad for me then as it would be for me now.

Why? WHY? WWWHHHYYYY?

I get the standard answers.

  1. The convenience. Those doors! They just pop open with the click of a button.
  2. It’s so low to the ground. My two year old can climb right in!
  3. So safe. I can get in, shut the doors, lock them and buckle my kids in. Then I can climb right into the front seat without ever getting out of the car.
  4. The gas mileage. It’s wonderful!

Well, here’s what I have to say to all of that:

  1. My sorry ass can swing the back doors of my SUV open. I’ve got a mean set of Mommy biceps from hauling around two little kids at the same time. And being that my biceps are the only muscles left on my ever-softening, fat ass body, I need to use them. As often as possible. And  P.S. my SUV has the magic lift gate, so you’re only 1 for 2.
  2. I will hoist and heave my two year old and three year old up, unreasonably high, into their car seats all damn day long, to the detriment of my back. And neck. I will literally put my back out heaving their asses into their car seats if it means I can roll in an SUV.
  3. Dude, if you can literally walk from the back seat to the front seat without ever getting out of the car, somethin’s seriously fucked up about your ride. It’s called a big ass center console. You need one.
  4. Screw gas mileage. It may cost me seventy bucks to fill my tank, but it’s money well spent.  Buying new shoes for the kids isn’t that important. And listen, bitches, before you judge me and my lack of concern for the environment, go back and read my half-assed attempt at blogging for Green Month. I love Mother Earth, damn it. I use fully green cleaning products, I ditched the paper towels, I shop at Whole Foods and I clean my face with cloth napkins when I eat. For the love of God, I’m one step away from wiping my ass with washcloths. If my only serious middle finger to mother earth is rolling in an SUV that gets 14 miles to the gallon, then I think I’m doing just fine.

“But Laura,” you might be thinking, “You only have TWO kids. What would you do if you had a third?”

I’ll tel you what I’d do. I’d use that third row of seats – the really shitty ones that leave no leg room and are a bitch to get to. The ones that, when we have out-of-town-company, give us all reason to point and laugh as our guests crawl to, asses in the air, like dying dogs. And I’ll put one of my kids back there.

And then, when I have to buckle them in, I’ll climb to that third row like a dying dog myself, ass all up in the air, skirt getting caught on the arm rests of the middle row, cellulite showin’. That’s what I’ll do.

And then when I go to Costco, I’ll stack the shit all over my kids. Because, obviously, I”m going to lose all of that awesome space in the back if I have to keep the third row of seats in my car.

Or I’ll just buy the damn extended SUV. Because, let’s be honest here, an Escalade ESV still has a higher cool factor than an Odyssey. Just sayin’

And also, if you were wondering what I’d do if I had a third baby, YOU must also be the asshole who’s planning on baking me some pot brownies. And bringing them to my house. And telling me they’re plain old gluten free brownies. And then making sure I eat them, consistently, for months on end so that I stay high long enough to complete a new home study, get a referral and travel, because bitches, that’s about what it would take for me to add another baby to this mix right now. but also, you probably know that it wouldn’t take much to get me to eat brownies every day. Who are we kidding?

I’d just like to end with this little piece of food for thought: when you tint the hell out of the windows of your minivan, we all know what’s in there, even though we can’t see it: a whole buncha car seats. It’s a Sienna. There’s no question. But my tinted-so-dark-the-cops-pull-my-babysitter-over windows? At least they make you wonder. Sure, that could be Toy Story 2 lighting up the back…but it could totally be porn, too. You can’t be sure.  Porn-watching, partying people roll in my vehicle. And so do moms. You never know what you’re gonna get. My cool factor? Partially preserved.

I said it when I was ten. I said it when I was 20. And I’m sayin’ it when I’m 30. Oh hell no. I will NOT drive a minivan.

(And ladies, I’d like to point you to Kelley. She’s strong. This is how it’s done. If my girl, with five kids, can keep it real in an SUV, then the rest of you should be ashamed.)

This post is dedicated to all of my mom friends who drive minivans…so pretty much, all of my mom friends. :) Don’t take it personally. I love you despite your wheels. xoxo

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

rachel October 19, 2010 at 7:53 am

I don’t have one…and plan to keep it that way until we have 5 kids and 2 dogs. Then I’ll think about it.

(but we get better gas mileage w/ our wagon than a minivan too. and we have a ton of space – it’s called a thule!)

Reply

mostlymorgan October 19, 2010 at 7:55 am

High fives Laura!

Like you, I ain’t going down like that. My neighbor just got a black Odyssey–she’s from LA and she’s trying like crazy to preserve a shred of cool factor. I admit it’s sweet with the tinted windows! But, I just CANNOT go there.

I upgraded to the mid size suv from my sedan when peanut #2 arrived and even though it’s cramped and a crazy mess of car seats we will deal. I’m just not ready for the mom wagon!

Reply

Laura Mueller October 19, 2010 at 8:19 am

I admit I still have twiches from buying the Odyessey but I can’t AFFORD the equivlant in a Tahoe, Yukon, etc. That’s why we did what we did.. I’m pretty sure this will be the one and only mini van I own just to get me through the toddler years…… :)

Reply

Sarah October 19, 2010 at 8:21 am

This is pure brilliance. Please take me out back and shoot me if I ever have kids and decide a mini is the way to go…you can print this page and show me that it is in fact NOT the way to go. Thank you.

Reply

Jill October 19, 2010 at 8:27 am

Can’t say it any better and you know the person who brings you the pot browniews will arrive in the mini-van so please don’t make a road trip to NC!

Reply

Katherine October 19, 2010 at 11:15 am

Ok Laura,

Confession time… and stick with me here… First of all, I don’t drive a mini van. I drive the quintesential soccer mom car other than the mini van. A lexus suv. At least this is how they roll around these parts. Mine is filled with dog hair and water bottles. Theirs are spotless. Their storage compartment is filled with soccer bags. Mine is filled with things I was going to take to the goodwill in June. Life happens.

Just like you, I too, was going to be an uber hip mom. You are for the record. Want to be my muse?!? You should have seen Teddy’s car seat cover… yes, I hijacked my husband’s amex to pay for that one… but I was going to be cool. We were going to have one up on all those other mommies… we had the frivilous car seat cover. I so figured I would be a mom of a baby in “skinny” skinny jeans and heels toting along her precious baby to lunch with my sisters in his carseat… just to show offo that cover don’t you know… Life happens.

See, we all have this vision. I’m always skinny in my dreams, how about you? But, this is where I deviate from you. When asked what my “dream car” is… the “If you won the mega millions what kind of car would you drive…” I have had the same reply for 10 years. I won’t drive. I desire a completely loaded mini van and a full time driver who looks like Lenny Kravitz only hotter! You’ll catch me in the back seat with my glass of merlot… or a goose and soda… and the MGM 100 greatest films collection while “Lenny” delivers me to where I need to go. I know I could do this in a Tahoe or Suburban, but something about those doors get me. push of a button and I’m out!

So, unless you see me in a minivan, you can be assured I have not won the lottery or have not struck oil in my backyard. But, if I do… they’ll be plenty of room for you, too! And our new shoes, and Miss Molley and Matty… and whomever we decide to pick up along the way.

PS… you crack me up! Pot brownies.

Reply

Laura Mueller October 19, 2010 at 6:50 pm

Ok, this made me laugh… :)

Reply

Laura October 19, 2010 at 7:36 pm

I love you, Katherine! I totally follow you.

So good to talk to you yesterday. Hugs.

Reply

Teri October 19, 2010 at 11:32 am

LMAO! This is exactly how I feel. I love my little CUV and am looking at a little bit bigger one for trips with the sis and her kids. But there is nothing that can make me buy one of those evil spawns from heck!

Teri

Reply

gayla October 19, 2010 at 5:55 pm

It will never happen here either. We are a strictly minivan free zone.

The pot brownies? Hilarious!! As is your ass in the air description of the third row of seats.

Reply

Angel October 19, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Ha! A nice needed laugh. And oh, so true! I’m gonna stay strong, too!

Reply

Tracy @ My Minivan Rocks! October 19, 2010 at 7:20 pm

My Minivan Rocks! Come on! Join the club. All the cool kids are doing it.

Reply

Momma Chaos October 21, 2010 at 10:28 am

So how do you feel about monster vans (12-15passenger).. Yeah, my cool factor went away long ago.. Heck even my parents make fun of my ride.. But with 6 kids it works.. Someone always wants a friend over, Momma always wants DCS to call with another baby.. We need the room. I’m soo tempted to go back to my SUV days and this post didn’t help any at all with that desire!!

Reply

Krista October 27, 2010 at 6:03 pm

Thank you! I’m so anti minivan too – love my SUV – will not switch for anything! My hubby wants one – but no thank you…

Reply

heather November 12, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Love it!!! I can’t tell u how many times my Husband has TRIED to get me to buy a mini van. When we were bringing home twins (#4 and #5) and our SUV broke down he thought he had me. He’s like no way you are going to fit THREE carseats in anything but a minivan. Well I showed him!!! I actually got a crossover Cadillac SRX and still riding in style!! Who cares that my 3 kids in carseats are squeezed in like sardines and you can’t access the third row seat because of the carseats (so my bigger kids have to enter through the rear and jump over the third seat like rodeo clowns to get in and out)!! When talk of adopting #6 came up my Husband said no way to avoid the minivan this time. Well after 19 years and 5 kids no way they are taking me down now!!! I immediately started researching SUVs that seat 8. My Husband surely thinks I am crazy but I can remember when I had the first baby everybody said “Time to cut your hair off and buy a minivan” of which I have resisted BOTH. Glad to see I am not the only anti-minivan Mommy out there.

Reply

Nicole November 13, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Ok just now reading this post and dying laughing! And enjoying the genius of it. I fought SO hard against the minivan when my car broke down right before Jack’s birth… and thank God I won. :) I am with you all the way on this!

Reply

donna January 1, 2011 at 5:30 pm

this had me cracking up! mini vans are evil…hubs and i play a game…find a happy/smiling mini van driver…especially a dad – good luck, we’ve been looking for 15 years now and have yet to find ONE!! everyone driving one of those god awful things has the look of “how the hell did this happen to me” on their faces – or they’re so stepfordly i’m afraid to make eye contact!

Reply

January April 13, 2011 at 11:12 am

OMG. I just read this post and was killing myself laughing. We are an anti-minivan household too. We drive the Ford Flex and LOVE IT. Minivans SUUUCK.

Reply

Danielle Scherrer May 4, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I crossed over to the dark side 3 years ago. I am now fat with short hair and drive a minivan. I live in the suburbs in a cookie-cutter house, my kids play soccer, I carpool and have a “My kid is so much f*cking better than yours” sticker on my bumper. Okay, I don’t have the sticker, but the rest is true. And I am in book club and bunko and all my handbags are from Target! When did I become SO freaking cool? Thanks for helping me realize that I am a complete mommy loser! Does being an attorney make be the tiniest bit cool??? Yeah, I didn’t think so. :) <>

Reply

Truthful Mommy October 11, 2011 at 5:56 pm

HOLY Shit! we share a fucking brain my friend. THis is most certainly why we could be closer than sisters. We are both so fucking cool that we are the only ones who deserve to hang out with one another!LOL XO

Reply

Diane November 25, 2011 at 2:50 am

Absolutely dying when I read this part. Thanks, I needed that.

“The ones that, when we have out-of-town-company, give us all reason to point and laugh as our guests crawl to, asses in the air, like dying dogs. And I’ll put one of my kids back there.”

Reply

Lisa in NZ June 18, 2012 at 3:01 am

Now I want to sell my people mover :-( But sadly, with 6 kids (3 of them adult sized) a normal car will just not cut it! But even the car afficionados at my work agree that my space shuttle (as they call it!) is useful when it’s midnight, we’re setting up a conference stand and need to make a lightning raid on the office for more chairs, equipment and banners…

I dream of the day (OK, sometimes it’s a nightmare!) when some of the older kids leave home, and we can trade down to a mere 5-seater. Of course, we probably won’t, because by then I’ll be so enmeshed in car pools, that I will never have a acar with only my children in it.

At least my people mover is silver. It would really suck if it was yellow.

Loving your blog! Hysterically funny, moving and informative – what more could a reader ask for?

Reply

Laura June 20, 2012 at 11:26 am

Thanks so much for your comment, Lisa! I’m laughing! I promise not to hold your people mover against you. :) Can’t wait to check out your blog!

Reply

Single Daddy December 11, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I am a father to three awesome kids. I also refuse to fall into the trap of conformity and drive around in a damn minivan. It makes me sick taking my two boys to soccer practice; the parking lot looks like a used minivan lot. The endless rows and rows of Odyssey’s and Sierras prove the point that people are suckered into buying these massive road hogs. And damn the power they have, when is it ever used. Minivan drivers are by far the worst on the roads, beware. I got a good laugh at your blog, I agree with all of it.

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 5 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: