I married Ed when I was 20. I’ve talked about that a lot. I’ve talked about marriage and relationships and parenting.

I knew what I was doing. I made that decision partly clouded by the stars and rainbows that float through the sky when you’re young and in love, and partly with the absolute clarity that comes with growing up well in advance of the other kids and analyzing everything to do the death because you were dealt a different (health) card in life.

I knew what kind of person he was and what kind of father he’d be when we were ready to take that step in life.

When I met him, Ed didn’t have a dad. He hadn’t had a dad in long time. His dads were alive, but they’d gone the way of a lot of fathers who don’t do the right thing – they’d disappeared. He hadn’t seen his bio dad since he was a child and his stepdad since he was in college. It’s one thing – and completely understandable in both cases – to leave a wife. It’s another to leave a child.

Ed didn’t have much of a relationship with his mom. He hadn’t talked to her in quite a long time.

None of these things were his doing or fault, and as an admittedly critical person, I don’t say that lightly. Sometimes, you’re just not as lucky in the parental department as you wish you were.

And these things, whether the person is at fault or not, are sometimes reasons to really think on whether past experiences will affect future decisions. I was marrying someone whose two dads had been unfaithful to his mom and had abandoned their children.

I had absolutely no doubt. I knew I was marrying someone who, once a father, would be the most committed father there was.

I knew he’d love his kids more than anything. I knew that even if our marriage didn’t last for some reason, he’d always be a dad.

And now we have kids. And he’s just that. A committed dad who will always be a dad.

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From the minute he held each of our babies, he was their dad.

He was committed.

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He loved his babies with all of his heart.

He promised them he’d never leave.

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And I know that he won’t.

I’ve read articles lately about how women should stop gushing over men for doing what they should do – being good dads. How it’s the bare minimum, how it should be expected.

And to that, I say that it should absolutely be expected.

My husband cares for our children. He doesn’t babysit them.

My husband co-parents. We both work and we share responsibility.

He changed diapers when they were babies.

He dries tears now that they’re “kids.”

He’s drops them off at school in the mornings, he attends conferences, he helps them with homework.

He loves them.

He’s a good dad.

An I do appreciate that. To anyone who says that it’s expected, I agree. I absolutely expect it. I wouldn’t remain married to him if circumstances were different.

But to anyone who says that we shouldn’t talk about it, shouldn’t appreciate it openly, shouldn’t find it an attractive quality in our partners, I couldn’t disagree more.

Happy Father’s Day, Ed. You’re even better than the kind of dad you hoped you’d be one day. I appreciate you today and every day.

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DSC_0931 copyI could feel my eyes burning, welling up with tears as we sat in the eye doctor’s office.

“Legally, he’s blind,” the doctor said about my 2-year-old.

I feebly tried to argue, as if my words would undo the diagnosis. “I know he can see small things,” I said. Mattix wasn’t very verbal yet, but he would point to airplanes, made tiny by their distance way up in the sky, and say, “Plane!”

How could he do that if his vision was poor enough for him to be considered legally blind, I wanted to know.

I’m sure that I sounded like any parent who’s unwilling to accept heartbreaking news about her child.

It was difficult to absorb the other details after that. I was there alone with Mattix, two years old at the time, and Molley, not yet one. I thought I knew what was coming: a diagnosis of strabismus, which was apparent to me from the beginning – in photos even before we brought Mattix home over a year earlier.

At the time, it was the least of my concerns. Mattix had a lot to deal with and we had a lot to address. We’d made a list to tackle with his pediatrician in order of necessity. So I expected to hear what both his pediatrician and I thought was the case.

And when I  heard something very different and much more serious, things got fuzzy. But I will never forget one part:

“This won’t help you now, but kids with this condition that have his abilities, they do well in life. They’re quirky in a way I can’t explain. They’re very well-liked. They’re happy and funny. People are drawn to them. I have a lot of patients like him and the lack of vision and other issues doesn’t hold them back.”

I heard him, but he was right. It didn’t help me in that moment. All I was thinking about was how school would be more difficult, how he’d never be able to get a driver’s license at 16 along with his friends, how he’d ride the bus to work as an adult because he wouldn’t have any other options.

His condition – the one that the doctor thought made him blind – isn’t in his eyes. It’s neurological. It’s a congenital defect and there’s nothing to do to “fix” it or help improve it.

(The hundreds of hours I spent on Google assured me of that. And so did his doctor, who later made me promise not to consider going to a foreign country for experimental stem cell transplant treatments – that don’t work so far.)

Mattix’s optic nerves are less than one-third the size they should be. Based on that alone, it was very reasonable to conclude he was legally blind. Often with the condition, there is significant brain involvement that causes varying degrees of disabilities.

So we went through the brain MRIs under sedation, the appointments with the Foundation For The Blind and other tests.

And in the end, nobody could explain it, but Mattix isn’t blind.

He has to work harder than other kids to use his eyes. But his vision is sharp. As bad luck would have it, he does have a completely unrelated eye condition that required surgery and will require additional surgeries. And that’s the one that gives him headaches, tires his eyes considerably and makes it harder to read and keep up in school.

But nothing has held him back. The same eye doctor that diagnosed Mattix’s conditions is the one who did his surgery and who we see several times a year. He’s a blessing (and an unbelievably skilled surgeon – one of the best in the state). He generously gives his time, helping low income children who wouldn’t otherwise receive services. He’s volunteered overseas helping children in orphanages. He’s a special person.

And he was right.

Mattix is different.

People are drawn to him.

He’s well-liked. And quirky. And kind and compassionate.

And he has an outlook on life that I can’t totally wrap my mind around.

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He’s so funny. He has an incredible sense of humor and makes even the most difficult situations entertaining.

He can make a room full of people laugh, even during an eye exam.

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A sister couldn’t ask for a better big brother. He’s looked out for Molley since the day she came home, which happened just after his second birthday.

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A mom couldn’t ask for more in a son – kind, loving, sweet.

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He never quits and never gives up.

“Most kids who have no challenges don’t try half as hard as he does,” one of his teachers told me.

Sometimes, by the end of the school day, his eyes are so strained his head is just an inch from the paper, tilted to the side, so he can keep trying. But he does just that – keeps on trying.

He keeps on trying so much, in fact, that he’s exactly where he should be at the end of his Kindergarten year. At the mid-point, we had a conference with his teacher. She brought up the possibility of him repeating Kindergarten.

I’d guess that most parents need some time to adjust to that thought, but Ed and I are realists and we want what’s best for Mattix. So we were very open to the possibility, and we agreed we’d revisit it toward the end of the school year.

But by the end of the  year, it wasn’t even a consideration. With help from his teacher, who is another blessing and just so happens to have a wonderful background in special needs, additional programs at school and a lot of hard work on his part at home, Mattix showed us all what real commitment looks like.

At one of our conferences, his teacher showed me this picture.

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She has the kids draw a picture of themselves toward the beginning of the school year. She said most kids draw themselves in their favorite shirt, maybe, or with their dog or other pet.

Mattix drew himself with a big smile on his face under a rainbow. And a giant happy face. And the sun, also wearing a giant happy face.

‘Cause that’s how he sees life. It’s bright, happy and positive to him.

Today I’ve been his mom for exactly five years and six months. Never in a million years could I have expected to parent such an incredible person. It’s my job to  raise him, but he teaches me and the rest of us amazing lessons on a daily basis.

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Happy Mother’s Day!

May 12, 2013

Children born to another woman call me ‘Mom.’ The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me. – Joy Landers I know how blessed I am to be a mom to Mattix and Molley. Sometimes, in the midst of the squabbles and the whining and the normal-but-exhausting behavior [...]

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Marriage: The highs, the lows and the space between

February 20, 2013

Last week, shortly before our 12th anniversary, Ed and I were watching a movie. I can’t even remember what movie it was – I’m not the best at paying attention to movies. I’m usually working on my laptop. And in the movie, the main character was nervous because he was planning to ask his girlfriend’s [...]

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“Oh, the places you’ll go…”

January 24, 2013

Dr. Seuss, he was a smart man. I could paper my walls with Dr. Seuss quotes. “Oh, the places you’ll go” is one that applies to so many situations in life. Just that part, standing alone. Before I had kids, I never could have imagined the places my mind and heart would go. I’m not [...]

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Out of the clouds and raindrops emerges a rainbow

January 21, 2013

I’ve never liked the rain. As far back as I can recall, I didn’t care for rain. It frightened me as a child. In Arizona, I associated rain with Monsoon storms – lightening and thunderstorms and flooding. As an adult, it meant car accidents – I’ve only lived in SoCal and Arizona, two places where [...]

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My one and only gift guide: P&G eStore Stocking Stuffers

December 20, 2012

  It’s Dec. 20. I’m beginning to think about Christmas shopping. True story. I have my eye on the prize and the prize is Friday EOD, when my company’s “Christmas break” begins. This is the busiest time of year for me with my job, so all of the normal December activities, like, you know, Christmas [...]

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Five years of motherhood

December 9, 2012

This past week, I had a conference with Mattix’s teacher. We talked about how well he’s doing socially – how kind and outgoing he is. We talked about how intelligent he is. And we talked about how he’s struggling in a few areas because of his vision. She said what I’ve known for a long, [...]

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Once you see your baby girl’s face, your whole life changes

December 2, 2012

On December 2, 2008, Ed and I saw Molley’s beautiful little face for the first time. I’ve shared the story many times, so there’s nothing new to add to the facts. On the one year anniversary of Molley’s referral, we were so grateful to be a family, still working hard to find our footing. On [...]

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Welcome comic relief from a 4-year-old

November 29, 2012

Life is good. It always is. No matter what’s happening, I have two amazing kids that make it good. We’re going through some medical stuff with Mattix, but this is not new. We do this occasionally. And while it’s not always instinctive to look at the positive — as the mom to this amazing kid who [...]

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